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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29688777">Restless Spirits</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_soot_sprite/pseuds/the_soot_sprite'>the_soot_sprite</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Captain America (Movies), Chris Evans (actor) - Fandom, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Steve Rogers - Fandom, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-16 02:00:10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>12,612</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29688777</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_soot_sprite/pseuds/the_soot_sprite</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Haunted by past decision, Steve makes a choice and it isn’t you</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Ghosts of the Past</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You had been looking for him all afternoon. After the meeting ended, what was left of the Avengers scattered for the day, trying to figure out how to return to some semblance of normality. Steve had uncharacteristically been quiet while Bruce explained the points in time each Stone had to be returned to. You figured he was trying to absorb the information, each placement was crucial to restoring the timeline. But something felt off. You meant to ask him what he was thinking before Sam sidetracked you when he drew you into an argument with Bucky over dinner plans. By the time you looked away from the troublesome friends, Steve was nowhere to be found. You spent the better part of an hour searching for him all over the massive compound until you spotted your fair haired lover in the middle of the flower garden. </p>
<p>Tony had begrudgingly placed it away from the main buildings. He joked that Pepper wanted something pretty to look at but you suspected the troubled inventor installed it as a sort of sanctuary, a place to come and sit quietly to reflect on things. You and Steve had spent many hours walking through the greenery. On one of those fateful walks, he found out your training had included floriography; you explained that it was a way to say what couldn’t be spoken aloud and came in handy during covert missions. The way your eyes twinkled as you casually spoke about your past gave Steve pause on the validity of the information. Despite being one of the top assassins recruited to S.H.I.E.L.D., your effervescent persona made it hard to believe you were a cold blooded killer. The bubbling laugh that came so easily to your lips hinted at mischief and made him question how you were ever a successful spy. He concluded that no one would ever expect to be infiltrated by the world’s cheeriest person who projected sunshine everywhere she went. It was there in the garden—your garden—that you found him sitting by himself, lost in thought. </p>
<p>“Steve?” you lightly called out. You noticed his body stiffen at the sound of your voice but he didn’t lift his head. You stepped closer to him. “Ste—“ </p>
<p>Your eyes fell to the flower he cradled in hands. A single chrysanthemum—<em>goodbye</em>. In that moment, you understood his reticence to make eye contact. He was going back and staying...with her. You let out a choked gasp as the realization hit you. Steve lifted his eyes to meet yours at the sound. Brilliant green eyes that once looked at you with love and adoration were now filled with despair and regret. </p>
<p>A strained hushed question broke the silence. “You’re not coming back, are you?”</p>
<p>“Y/N…”</p>
<p>You repeated with a firmer voice, “Are you?” </p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>You closed your eyes at his answer. The small flame of hope you didn’t know you held extinguished with one word. It was quickly replaced with a new feeling. <em>Hurt. Rage. Betrayal.</em> Steeling yourself, you opened your eyes and met his gaze. Seeing his distraught face only fueled your anger. <em>What right did he have to look so miserable when he was choosing this outcome? </em></p>
<p>“Aren’t I enough?” you challenged. You wanted him to explain himself, not that it would change anything. You just needed to know <em>why. </em></p>
<p>Steve took a step in your direction but stopped himself when he noticed you backed away, keeping the same amount of distance between you. You eyed him warily.  He took a deep breath, steadying himself before answering, “I love you, truly I do.” He lifted his arms as if to reach out to you but stopped himself when he noticed the flower he still held, reminding him of his choice. </p>
<p>“You have meant everything to me these last few years. You kept me going when I wasn’t sure of anything, not even myself. And I thought…” he paused as if searching for the right words to explain why he was breaking your heart, “if going back wasn’t a possibility, I thought you and I would be it. We would be the endgame. Marriage. Home. Kids. All of it.” Your eyes welled up at the unspoken dream you had longed for. “But now...now I’m being offered the chance to go back and have that with Pe—her.” You winced at the almost mention of the name of the woman who would be getting your happily ever after. </p>
<p>Collecting himself, Steve continued, “All these years, a part of me wondered what my life would have been like had I not crashed that plane and been frozen. I fantasized about it until I met you. And for a while, that part of me slept. But after the Snap…when my last connection to home left with Bucky being turned to ash, the thought of it ate me up. It was slow and gradual and I never meant for it to mean anything. But now...I…” he hesitated to say the words that would cause you pain. “I have a chance to change that. I know it’s selfish and I’m an asshole for doing this, but I <em>owe</em> it to myself to give it a chance.” He looked at you, pleading with you to understand his reasoning. </p>
<p>Hearing his innermost thoughts and how you were the consolation prize broke you. You thought your assassin training would have prepared you for the pain but no one could have trained you to endure the soul crushing anguish you were experiencing at this moment. </p>
<p>“I love—“</p>
<p>“DON’T,” you screamed out. “Don’t say something you don’t mean.”</p>
<p>“Please, baby.”</p>
<p>“I hate you,” you hissed vehemently. “I hate you Steve Rogers. I hate that you lied to me all these years. I hate that you made me fall in love with you because you never really meant it.” You willed your tears to keep at bay. “I wished I had never met you.” You turned to walk away from the remnants of your shattered heart.</p>
<p>“Y/N. Please,” he begged. </p>
<p>Straightening your spine, you walked away from the man you loved with every fiber of your being but who didn’t love you nearly as much as he claimed to. With tears in your eyes, your pace never faltered as you made your way back to the compound. Sure his enhanced hearing would pick up your words, you whispered, “Goodbye.” </p>
<p>* * * * *</p>
<p>Steve stood off to the side as Bruce flitted around the consol, checking to make sure all the calculations were correct. He had already run through it at least a dozen times but he found comfort in the concrete nature of numbers. Steve bid farewell to Sam and Bucky, clapping the latter on the back and drawing him in for a hug.</p>
<p>“Don’t do anything stupid without me,” reminded Steve. </p>
<p>A somber Bucky quickly quipped, “How can I when you’re taking it with you?” Nostalgia touched their matching smiles.</p>
<p>“Hey!” called out Sam. “Where’s Y/N? Isn’t she coming for this?”</p>
<p>A moment of hurt crossed his face at the memory of your parting. Shaking his head, Steve dismissed your absence and told them he’d see them soon. With a solemn nod to his friends, he stepped onto the launch pad. Saying a silent goodbye to the present, he returned to the past to find his future. </p>
<p>* * * * *</p>
<p>After you walked away—because you wouldn’t let him see how devastated you were by his decision—you quickly formulated a plan for your next steps. There was no way you’d stay here on the compound, surrounded by the memories you’d made here together. You knew the others would be nothing but sympathetic to your plight but there would be a touch of pity in their eyes. You could’ve handled the commiseration to some extent. You’re sure Bucky would be angry for you, declaring he’d go find Steve in the present and kick his ass for you...even if it meant fighting an elder. Sam would’ve seen it his mission to distract you by picking some insane fight with Bucky, followed by some well meaning attempts to get you to share your feelings. The good doctor would make an attempt at well meaning words to comfort you but would suddenly falter at the realization he was out of his league. You allowed yourself a small smile at the thought of how they’d try to help you grieve your loss. </p>
<p>But you knew you couldn’t stay. Though you had all lost people in the last month, this was different. Nat and Tony had made a sacrifice for the greater good; they lost their lives in order to save the future. But Steve was choosing to leave you of his own free will. There was no noble purpose about the decision. He was willingly walking away from you and your future together. That made it all the more painful.</p>
<p>You looked around what was technically your room, though you had spent most of your time in his quarters. Grabbing a backpack from your closet, you quickly packed your essentials into it, leaving the rest behind. Making your way to what was Tony’s office, you quickly bypassed F.R.I.D.A.Y’s systems, transferring all your funds into an untraceable bank account before systematically deleting all traces of your existence in the database. You methodically worked through all the memory banks, deleting any mentions or photos of you. As far as anyone was concerned, you had become a ghost in the system. After making sure all your footprints in the computer system would be destroyed upon your exit from the building, you quickly made your way to one last stop before you disappeared for good. </p>
<p>* * * * *</p>
<p><em>Tap tap tap.</em> The wooden door swung open and you found yourself face to face with the flaxen beauty who was like family to you. You had been one of the few people Pepper and Tony entrusted Morgan with. Morgan adored you and often requested your babysitting services; you always happily complied with when not out on missions. Leaving them behind would be the hardest part about your decision. </p>
<p>“Y/N what are you doing here?” she asked, ushering you inside. </p>
<p>You stepped inside the homey cabin filled with many happy memories. Everywhere you looked, each room was overlaid with a layer of wistfulness. Tony’s presence was felt everywhere. </p>
<p>A half whispered question spilled out as you took a look around. “How do you do it?”</p>
<p>Surprised by the question, Pepper led you to the couch where you both sat down. Unsure of where your curiosity was leading to, she answered, “Honestly? Morgan helps a lot. I can’t let myself fall apart because <em>she</em> needs me. We cry when we need to, talk about him a lot. It’s hard but she gives me a reason to keep moving on.” She paused and gave you a hard look. “What’s this about? I know you didn’t drive all the way out here without notice just to drop by for a chat.”</p>
<p>“I’m leaving,” you whispered.</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Steve is going back to put the Stones back tomorrow and when he does,” you paused, hurt filling your expression, “when he does, he’ll be staying behind with Peggy.”</p>
<p>“Why the hell would he do that?! What about you? Your life here together?!”</p>
<p>You shrugged your shoulders and heaved a sigh of disbelief. “He chose her. He wants to be with her,” you explained painfully. “And I—I can’t stay here. I’m not like you.” You looked into her eyes as the comprehension set in. “There’s too many ghosts.” </p>
<p>“But we’re here,” she said, trying to appeal to you. “You could stay here if you need some time. We’d love to have you.”</p>
<p>“I can’t. I wish I could but I can’t.” Heaving a deep sigh, you explained, “Ste—him not choosing me...that was not something I ever expected, Pepper. I just, I’m not just heartbroken here. I feel utterly betrayed and broken by his selfish decision. I don’t know who I am without him. Isn’t that stupid? Me? I let him somehow work his way into my heart, believing all his promises of a future together when all along it would never happen. <em>I</em> was never going to be enough.” You took a breath, trying to control the growing tightening feeling in your chest. “Even if he’s not here, everything about this life will remind me of him,” you said, gesturing to your surroundings.</p>
<p>She reached out and grabbed hold of your hand. That one small touch of comfort crumbled your facade and the dam of tears broke. Your face crumpled; you leaned forward to let the tears freely fall. Taken by surprise at your out of character breakdown, Pepper moved close to you and held you against her as she let you lament over your losses. You wept for the deaths of two of your closest friends. You grieved for the betrayal by the man you loved more than life itself. You mourned the future that had been snatched away from you, made all the worse by a selfish decision. </p>
<p>The broken sobs were suddenly interrupted by a pair of soft feet thumping down the staircase. Realizing who it must be, you quickly gathered your emotions and wiped away the tears from your eyes just in time to hear a loud screech.</p>
<p>“Y/N!!!!! YOU’RE HERE!” shouted the small girl excitedly. “Are you here to play with me so mommy can go do some grown up things? We could play tea party and have sandwiches.” She threw her small frame, leaping into your arms. You gathered her into your lap, burying your face into her hair.</p>
<p>“Baby,” called Pepper, “Y/N isn’t here to play today.”<br/>Hearing her mother’s statement, Morgan lifted her head and looked up at you. Her innocent stare took in your red rimmed eyes. She reached a small hand up to your cheek, asking, “Why are you sad?”</p>
<p>Trying to reign in your errant emotions, you plastered a cheerful smile on your face before answering her. “I came here to say goodbye, Pix,” you informed her. “I’m feeling sad because I have to leave you and your mommy and I’m going to miss you both so much.”</p>
<p>“But you’re coming back after, right? Like all your other missions.”</p>
<p>“No, I don’t think so.”</p>
<p>“Morgan,” Pepper’s quiet tone broke in, “Y/N has to go away but she came here to say goodbye before she goes.”</p>
<p>Seemingly deep in thought trying to process her mother’s words, she suddenly looked up thoughtfully and whispered, “Are you leaving me like daddy?”</p>
<p>Pepper’s face crumbled at the question and tears welled up in her eyes. You exchanged glances with her, two women sharing the pain of losing loved ones. You ducked your head and looked into the small girl’s eyes. “Your daddy was a hero, you know that, right? He was one of the bravest men I’ve ever met and I know if he could be here with you right now, he would be. I have to go away. I don’t know when I’ll be back.” A small whimper escaped from Morgan at your words. “But I promise you, that I’ll be thinking of you. Wherever I’m at, I’ll be missing you and thinking of my little fairy and wishing I could step beyond the veil to see what games you and the other fair folk are up to.” </p>
<p>The thought brought a small smile to her lips before she suddenly remembered something. “But you’ll miss my birthday.” A small frown marred her angelic face. </p>
<p>“How about this? Wherever I’m at, I’ll send something so you and your mommy know I’m safe and thinking of you both, ok?”</p>
<p>The littlest Stark nodded her head solemnly.</p>
<p>Wrapping your arms around her, you squeezed her tightly and took a last look around at your surroundings. “I love you, Pix. Very much. You both mean the world to me. I hope someday we can see each other again.” </p>
<p>Looking up at a tearful Pepper, you withdrew several envelopes from your jacket pocket, each with a name on them. “Will you give these to them?” you asked her. “I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye because I knew they would’ve tried to stop me.” Handing over the letters, you gently pried the tiny arms from around your neck and placed Morgan into her mom’s embrace. </p>
<p>“Be safe out there,” Pepper reminded you.</p>
<p>You turned to her one last time. “Always am,” you said with a broken smile. With one last hug to both of them, you stepped out onto the porch, leaving your past behind.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Ever-present Shadow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Steve’s choice comes at a cost</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He watched her dance around the small kitchen as she crossed back and forth between the countertops and refrigerator. Her movements were graceful, precise, sure. It was a meal she had prepared a few times since he arrived and it always reminded him of home. Except home wasn’t what he expected it to be. </p>
<p>When he first arrived at this point in the timeline after putting the Stones back in their proper places, the excitement of finally getting that promised dance extinguished any lingering doubt he had about staying. He knew that he had hurt you and wished he could have made the decision without that happening. It bothered him to leave things between you acrimonious but he pushed the feeling aside to embrace his new life. </p>
<p>For a time, things were just as he had hoped they’d be. Peggy, though at first surprised by his return, welcomed him back. Steve kept his promise and took her dancing. His heart swelled as he held her in his arms, swinging along to the band playing in the background. She accepted his explanations of what had happened, curious about what his life had been life in the future. Peggy could’ve easily dismissed his story but she noted the pain of experience in his eyes as well as signs of aging that hadn’t been there when he had left on his mission. She had seen the change in the eyes of soldiers returning from the front before but Steve’s eyes held something more; whatever had befallen him in the future marked his soul in a deeply profound way.</p>
<p>At first, the newness of being together made exploring their relationship thrilling and passionate. Steve had waited a lifetime to be with her and was committed to savoring every moment. But the longer he spent there, the feeling of discontentment started to nag at him. Here he was, in his original time, where he was meant to be had he not crashed into the water. Yet somehow, Steve felt out of place. </p>
<p>At first it was something small. He hummed a song you had introduced him to—you called it an “ear worm”— when suddenly, he would realize the person who wrote it hadn’t even been born yet. One day he had a craving for shawarma but quickly remembered when Tony suggested it after the Battle of New York; it was the first time he noticed the easy laugh that bubbled forth from you even in the midst of the chaos. When Peggy wondered aloud about how long it would take to get from New York to Chicago, Steve slipped and told her to Google it; the puzzled look on her face reminded him that he had taken for granted the modern conveniences you had patiently shown him how to use. Little by little, the differences grew. As did the guilt. </p>
<p>When he decided to go back in time, he didn’t realize how out of place he’d feel. It killed him to know that while he was playing house with Peggy, his best friend was being brainwashed by HYDRA and there was nothing he could do to change it. Having knowledge of events to come but not being able to do anything about it made him restless. Without meaning to, Steve withdrew into himself for fear of contaminating the past with too much information of the future. In the silence of words left unspoken, he thought about the last words between you. </p>
<p>“Steve,” Peggy spoke gently, breaking him out of his reverie. “I think we should talk.” </p>
<p>With a confused look, he wondered aloud, “What do you want to talk about?”</p>
<p>“Tell me about your life...in the future. What was it like?” she pressed on. “I know you can’t give me any details but were you happy there? Did you make friends?”</p>
<p>Steve smiled at the thought of his friends—and you. Seeing the earnest look on her face, he decided to tell her about the Avengers. He deliberately left out details of future battles but he painted a picture of their everyday lives: how he and Sam went out running nearly every morning or how he and Natasha sparred from time to time. He spoke of the gentle fury contained in Bruce or the sweet way Vision and Wanda always looked out for each other even when separated. His eyes sparkled when he recalled a party Tony threw for the Avengers and how you surprised the group by out drinking everyone except Thor. Peggy didn’t miss the way Steve’s face fell a little when he spoke your name.</p>
<p>“And Y/N, who was she? You’ve never mentioned her before,” she coaxed.</p>
<p>“She’s...she was...part of the team as well.”</p>
<p>“Was? Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t realize she was gone,” Peggy said softly as she pulled his hand into a comforting hold. “I’m sure she was wonderful and deeply missed by all of you.”</p>
<p>Wanting to clear up her misunderstanding, Steve explained that you were alive the last time he saw you but you hadn’t parted on good terms. With some prying, Peggy managed to get him to tell her about you and the exact nature of your relationship. </p>
<p>As she sat listening to his stories from his time in the future, a much fuller picture of his life began to take shape for her. When your name slipped from his lips, she noticed the shift in his body language. She was curious about who you were, wondering what exactly you meant to him, and so she asked him. With some resistance, he conceded and told her about your relationship. He wasn’t aware of it himself but she observed the way his eyes lit up when he spoke of you, how just recalling memories about you brought a blush to his cheeks that she hasn’t noticed before. He finished the story by recounting how he broke your heart when he decided to stay in the past; profound shame and regret swam behind his eyes. </p>
<p>She smiled understandingly, whispering, “You love her.” </p>
<p>Steve looked up guiltily. “No—I mean yes, but I chose you and came back to be with you,” he protested. “I wanted us to have the chance that fate took from us the first time and—“</p>
<p>She reached up and pressed her hand against his mouth. “Steve. Go home,” Peggy spoke gently. “Go back to her. You answered your questions. What we had...could’ve had... was a beautiful dream. But you’re not the same person you were. And neither am I.” Pulling her hand away from his face, she continued, “You should be with someone who loves you for the Steve Rogers you are now, not who you used to be. You can’t live in the past of what was. That isn’t fair to me, it isn’t fair to you, and it certainly wasn’t fair to her,” she scolded him. “If you still love her, go find her and beg for her forgiveness. Because you <em>do</em> love her; you were just too stubborn to realize it.” Peggy shook her head to herself. “Still that dreamer I knew back before the serum. But Steve, it’s time to realize a new dream and that isn’t with me.”</p>
<p>The truth of Peggy’s words hit Steve harder than a swing of Thor’s hammer. He held his breath and let the realization sink in: it was always you; you were his true endgame. His stupid nostalgia had blinded him from seeing the truth. </p>
<p>Looking up into Peggy’s glistening eyes, he was suddenly struck with the memory of when your eyes had welled up as he told you of his plan. His heart seized inside of his chest, guilt flooding his body. But Steve noticed that it wasn’t remorse over saying goodbye to Peggy but a deep shame for hurting the most important person in his life: you. Thanking Peggy, he kissed her cheek and whispered a goodbye. Despite having stayed for months in the past, he wasted no time in using the Pym Particles to send himself back to exactly the time he had been scheduled to return. There would be no more wasted moments without you in his life. </p>
<p>* * * * *</p>
<p>As soon as he touched down on the launch pad, Steve rushed back to the compound in search of you. He thought you would still be in your room and hoped you’d let him in to beg for your forgiveness. He would do whatever it took to get you to give him another chance. Panting in front of your door, he paused to catch his breath and prepare to do whatever it took to get you to speak to him. </p>
<p>Steve raised his hand and knocked on your door. It was met with silence. “Baby, it’s me. Please let me in.”</p>
<p>Another round of knocking yielded no better results. On a whim, Steve tried your doorknob. It easily turned. Pushing the door in, he apologized, “I’m sorry for coming in like this but—-“ His words echoed in the empty room. He stepped inside and searched the bedroom and adjoining bathroom. Unable to find you but eager to make amends, he asked F.R.I.D.A.Y. for your location. </p>
<p>“Unable to comply. Information not found, Captain Rogers,” came the bodiless voice overhead. </p>
<p>Confused by the response, Steve asked, “What do you mean? Locate Y/N.”</p>
<p>“Unable to comply. Information not found.”</p>
<p>“Mmm, maybe she went to blow off some steam,” he mumbled to himself. “F.R.I.D.A.Y. What is the last known location for Y/N?”</p>
<p>“Unable to comply. Information not found.”</p>
<p>Walking back to the common room, Steve found they had chased after him when he ran away from the platform. Bruce, Bucky, and Sam stood in a semi circle around a new arrival: Pepper had made a surprise visit to the compound. </p>
<p>Hearing the sounds of heavy footsteps, Pepper looked up and shock crossed her face. Startled, she gasped,  “You’re here!” </p>
<p>Steve narrowed his eyes at her words. </p>
<p>With a slight chuckle, Bruce laughed, “Of course he is. He just got back from returning the Stones.” </p>
<p>“Whatcha got for us?” Sam inquired, with a nod of his head at the envelopes in her hand. “Bonuses for a job well done?”</p>
<p>Nervously, Pepper shifted on her feet uncomfortably. “Oh well yes...I mean no,” stuttered Pepper. Not making eye contact with Steve, she looked at the trio in front of her. “Um...I have something for you guys.” She handed Bruce, Bucky, and Sam the envelopes. </p>
<p>Raising a brow, Sam asked, “What’s this? Are we fired?”</p>
<p>“Uh no. They’re not from me,” she said quietly.</p>
<p>“Who are they from?” inquired Bruce, flipping the envelope over. </p>
<p>Noting her shifting eyes and overall nervous demeanor, Bucky opened his letter. “It’s from Y/N,” he stated calmly.</p>
<p>Hearing your name, Steve grabbed the letter out of his hands and scanned it for information. “She’s gone,” he whispered to himself with disbelief. </p>
<p>Incredulously, Bruce started to read his letter out loud. “Steve isn’t coming back and I can’t stay. Call me a coward but it’s too hard to stay with the ghost of him lingering around. Please understand my decision and let me go. Please don’t look for me. I’ll be ok but I need to be on my own. I love you,” trailed Bruce’s voice at the end. </p>
<p>The room went silent while the information of Steve’s planned abandonment and your departure sank in. Bruce looked up to ask if her claims were true only to find the look of utter heartbreak on Steve’s face, letting him know the authenticity of it. Sam looked bewildered at the group, trying to process the bomb that had been dropped amongst them. In the corner, only Bucky’s clenched fists betrayed his emotions over the new knowledge.</p>
<p>“How did you get these?” Steve’s voice was deadly quiet. With a deep breath, he raised his head and met her eyes, waiting for answers. </p>
<p>“She came by yesterday and told me what you were planning to do,” Pepper answered brusquely. “She gave me these letters to hand out to the remaining Avengers before saying her goodbyes to Morgan and me. Then she left.”</p>
<p>“Did she say where she was going?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“And you let her go?”</p>
<p>Pepper’s eyes flashed at the accusation. “Why do you care?” she challenged him. “You left her!”</p>
<p>He opened his mouth to refute her assertion before realizing the truth in her words. His shoulders sagged with the weight of the guilt he carried. “I...it wasn’t that way,” he said softly.</p>
<p>“Well, we’ll just have to find her.” Sam’s confident tone broke the oppressive atmosphere invading the room. “Let’s go ask F.R.I.D.A.Y. where…”</p>
<p>“We can’t,” Steve flatly stated. “She wiped all traces of herself. F.R.I.D.A.Y. doesn’t have any files on her,” he finished, now understanding the responses he had received earlier. </p>
<p>“Well, how about…” Sam began to suggest.</p>
<p>Bruce shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose while mumbling, “She’s one of the best agents. If she doesn’t want to be found, you’re not gonna find her.” </p>
<p>Silence filled the room at the realization of having lost another one of their own. The melancholic air dimmed the mood. Even the ever boisterous Sam looked solemn at the news.</p>
<p>After several moments, Steve’s voice pierced the silence. “We have to at least try.” His voice broke as he stifled a sob.</p>
<p>Clapping a large hand on the Super Soldier’s back, Sam vowed to help him find you. Murmurs of ascent filled the room. With renewed determination, Steve set out on his most important mission.</p>
<p>* * * * *</p>
<p>The guests mingled inside the wooden retreat, eager to gather around for a happier occasion than when they last met. In the intervening months, each of them had tried to move forward with varying degrees of success. Today, they gathered around to celebrate Morgan’s birthday, the first since Tony’s death. There was an unspoken agreement to make sure she had all she could ask for since her father couldn’t be there. </p>
<p>Jubilant faces greeted him. Steve managed to smile along with the banter and laugh where appropriate but his heart wasn’t in it; it hadn't been since the day he made the worst decision in his life. Excusing himself from the festivities, Steve stepped out onto the porch. Leaning over the railings, he took a deep breath and stared out onto the lake. </p>
<p>His reverie was interrupted by the light footsteps that stopped beside him. Looking to his side, he noted the way Pepper leaned against the beam studying him. </p>
<p>Breaking the silence, she cooly remarked, “I’m surprised you showed up.”</p>
<p>Returning his gaze to the water, he flatly responded, “It’s for Morgan.” Pepper was silent, not acknowledging his statement. </p>
<p>Wanting to defuse the months-long tension between them, Steve offered, “You could punch me like Bucky did if that’ll make you feel better.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” he laughed sheepishly, “the day you brought the letters, he punched me after you left. I’ve never seen him that pissed off before.” Shaking his head, he added, “He told me what an absolute idiot I was. I agreed with him...still do.”</p>
<p>Pulling her arms closer to herself, Pepper considered his words as she looked at him. “I miss her too, you know.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry for that.”</p>
<p>Taking a deep breath, Pepper asked, “How are you?”</p>
<p>“I’ve been better,” replied Steve. A deprecative chuckle escaped his lips before his countenance settled back into the solemn look he wore these days. A comfortable silence fell between them as each thought about the past few months. </p>
<p>“I miss her,” he whispered, as if only to himself. </p>
<p>Pepper placed her hand on his arm in a comforting gesture. “I know you do,” her tone gentle. “We all miss her.” She squeezed his arm to let him know that she shared his heartache. </p>
<p>Small feet pounded across the decking. Pepper withdrew her hand and turned to face her excited daughter. </p>
<p>“Mommy! Look what I got!” exclaimed the young girl. “It’s the most beautiful fairy ever!”</p>
<p>Grasping the toy that was thrust in her face, Pepper scanned the doll before declaring, “That’s beautiful, honey. Who’s it from?”</p>
<p>As Happy stepped out onto the porch in search of his charge, Morgan shrugged her shoulders. “I dunno.”</p>
<p>“Oh that?” called out Happy. “It came in a box earlier.”</p>
<p>Confused, Pepper questioned, “No sender?” Happy shook his head. </p>
<p>“I know!” squealed Morgan. “It’s from Y/N!!”</p>
<p>Hearing the mention of your name, Steve stood up and whirled around. Noticing the sudden shift of the Super Soldier, Pepper crouched down to Morgan. Speaking gently to her daughter, she asked, “Why do you think that?” Thinking Happy might have missed something, she added, “Was there a card that came with it?”</p>
<p>“Nuh uh.” Morgan shook her head fervently. She thrust the doll into Pepper’s face. “But it’s a pixie. She always called me Pix. It’s her special name for me. Who else would send it?” She glanced up at her mother with large confident eyes. </p>
<p>With a strained smile to assure her daughter, Pepper caught Steve’s eyes. There she saw something she hadn’t seen since the day you disappeared: hope. She watched as he struggled to process the possibility of finally having a lead on you. His lips moved, whispering your name like a silent prayer. </p>
<p>* * * * *</p>
<p>Your bright smile charmed the vendor as you haggled over which flavor of dango was the best. Unwilling to let you walk away without sampling what he considered the best way to have the sweet treat, he offered you a skewer in addition to the one you purchased. You tasted his treat and agreed that his choice was indeed superior. He laughed loudly, boasting that he had finally proven you wrong. Waving him goodbye, you continued your way through the market, picking up fresh produce and other goods to last you through the week.  </p>
<p>Basket filled, you made your way home, leaving the bustling market behind you. You disappeared through the narrow passage between the buildings, taking a shortcut. You turned the corner and disappeared from view. </p>
<p>A thud sounded as you slammed the stranger against the wall. You had noticed someone following you ever since you were in the market. They hadn’t made a move until now but you weren’t me going to lead them to your home. Once you turned the corner, you quickly spun around, pressing an arm against the stranger’s throat. The abrupt movement knocked the brim of his hat, revealing a familiar countenance. </p>
<p>“How did you find me?” you asked flatly. </p>
<p>“Morgan.”</p>
<p>A small smile tugged at the corners of your mouth. You shook your head defeatedly. “I knew that might tip you off but I couldn’t let the first birthday after Tony’s death pass without making her smile.” You breathed deeply and turned to walk away, calling out behind you, “Go home.”</p>
<p>“Wait, Y/N,” Bucky called out. “Come back with me.”</p>
<p>The timbre in his voice pierced your heart. He sounded as lost as you felt inside. With a weary sigh, you turned to face him. “I can’t do that, Bucky,” the hushed tone conveyed the seriousness in your conviction. “This is my home now.”</p>
<p>“But we miss you. We need you.” The reserved Super Soldier paused, thinking to himself, before adding, “<em>He</em> needs you.”</p>
<p>“For what?” you hissed. “To wipe his old ass for him? No thanks. I’m fine.”</p>
<p>Confused, Bucky interjected, “Y/N, I think you have it wrong….”</p>
<p>“NO!”</p>
<p>Seeing the traumatized soldier flinch at your shriek was enough to reprimand you for your harshness. You hadn’t meant to yell or take your anger out on him; he wasn’t his best friend and it was unfair of you to treat him that way. Softening your tone, you informed him, “No, Bucky. I can’t—I won’t. It hurts too much. I love you and the others but I won’t go back.” </p>
<p>You closed your eyes and took several deep breaths, trying to regain control of your wild emotions. “When he left, I lost myself. I traveled around, angry at him for being so selfish, angry at myself for letting him in, angry for not being enough. I was just...angry. I even thought about doing what Hawkeye did when he lost his family.” Smiling ruefully at the man in front of you, you reflected, “Isn't it funny that he and I both ended up in Japan? Except Nat found him and you found me. But this time, it’ll end differently. My Avenger days are behind me.”</p>
<p>Your eyes met his, holding his gaze. “It took me so long to start finding the parts of myself again,” you whispered. “I’m only just starting to mend the broken pieces here. I’m finally starting to do ok. Buck,” you pleaded, “please don’t let the others know you’ve found me.”</p>
<p>Understanding your decision, Bucky offered you a grin of commiseration. Even without a word of agreement, his eyes held understanding. Stepping close to him, you kissed his cheek, whispering your goodbyes before walking away from your past.</p>
<p>* * * * *</p>
<p>In your small home, you quickly emptied your basket of the items you bought from the market. Making a quick job of putting them away, you stood by the small kitchen window and looked out onto your garden. You closed your eyes and took several deep breaths.</p>
<p>“I know you’re here,” you called out into the silence of the room. “What do you want?”</p>
<p>“You.”</p>
<p>A pang of hurt crossed your features upon hearing his voice. Just as quickly as it came up, you pushed the feeling away. Steeling yourself, you spun around on her heels to face your past. A flash of surprise crossed your face. You expected his presence after Bucky’s visit but you assumed you’d be meeting with an older Steve; what you never suspected to see was the same youthful face that had broken your heart.</p>
<p>He started towards you but you backed up, quickly scanning your surroundings for anymore unexpected surprises hindering your exit points. He noticed your tense body language and stopped his approach. </p>
<p>“Y/N, please,” he began. “Let me explain.”</p>
<p>Eyes narrowing, you scoffed, “Did the super serum stop your aging too?”</p>
<p>Steve stared at you, confused by your question. You sighed heavily at his reaction. “What do you want, Captain?” you seethed bitterly. </p>
<p>He winced at your acerbic tone. “I came back,” Steve answered neutrally. </p>
<p>“Obviously,” you spat disinterestedly.</p>
<p>“I came back for you.”</p>
<p>“So Peggy didn’t want you and you came back thinking I’d be waiting for you?”</p>
<p>“What? No! That’s not what…”</p>
<p>You cut him off, adding scornfully, “Or did you get tired of her and thought you’d have some fun breaking my heart again?” </p>
<p>“Y/N!” Steve yelled out. </p>
<p>Hearing his outrage, the buried hurt resurfaced again. “NO!” you screamed, your voice filled with contempt. “<em>You</em> don’t get to break my heart for another woman, only to come back and find me after I left. <em>You</em> don’t get to sneak into my home and then raise your voice at me! As if <em>I</em> were the cause of all of this! If that’s all you came to do, you can get the fuck out of here Captain, because we are done. I am no longer part of S.H.I.E.L.D. or the Avengers Initiative. You and I have nothing to say to each other.”</p>
<p>Steve was taken aback at your hostility. He had expected your hurt and outrage, but experiencing the pure hatred dripping in your voice for him was beyond comprehension. Even knowing what you did for a living, knowing that some part of you had to be cold and calculating to get your job done, it was never something Steve had directed at him. The weight of what his mistakes had cost him struck him anew. His face contorted in pain, as if he had been slapped. </p>
<p>Though guarded, you can’t help but scan him and note the signs of distress. Even after all this time, it felt like a natural reflex to want to comfort him. You hated yourself for still feeling compassionate towards him after everything he had done. Suddenly tired from your outburst, your shoulders dropped. </p>
<p>“What do you want?” you muttered.</p>
<p>“Y/N,” he whispered. </p>
<p>In a low defeated voice, you murmured softly, “Just say it and then get out.”</p>
<p>“I’m so sorry for hurting you. I never meant to. I was stupid. I kept thinking about the what if’s and letting that slowly poison my present...my future...with you.”</p>
<p>You don’t acknowledge his words. </p>
<p>Undismayed by your silence, he continued with his explanation. “Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever did. Without a doubt, it was the stupidest decision I ever made too. I went back like I said I would. But nothing felt right. Being with...her...didn’t feel right anymore.” He paused, as if reliving the events in the past. “It was supposed to be everything I ever wanted: the white picket fence, dinner on the table at 6pm, the girl. Except, the girl wasn’t you. I tried so hard because it was supposed to fulfill me...but I couldn’t forget you.”</p>
<p>You held your breath at his confession, unsure of the outcome.</p>
<p>“I came back for you,” he pleaded. “I was a selfish dick and I hurt the most important person to me. I don’t know how to ever make it up to you and I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive myself. But baby, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me and say you’ll give me another chance.” He watched and waited for you to respond to his admission. The tense strain of the silence between you ate at him. </p>
<p>“Please,” he entreated, “say something.”</p>
<p>Part of you craved him still. But his honeyed words reminded you of the damage his choices had caused. As much as every part of you wanted nothing more than to throw yourself at him and feel his arms wrap around you again, you couldn’t let yourself cave in. You looked up at him, eyes hardening, and broke your own heart once again. </p>
<p>“Goodbye Steve.”</p>
<p>Leaving no room for argument, you turned and left the room. Steve’s shoulders dropped and he released a shuddered breath as he let it sink in that he had lost you; his selfishness and wondering had cost him the most important thing. He closed his eyes and let the tears fall.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Spirit of the Future</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What does it take to fix what’s broken?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 1: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>The day after Steve came by, you pushed aside how hard it was to see him again. You hadn’t expected the sight of him to bring back a rush of mixed feelings. You understood the fury and resentment; almost a year after he left, the bitter realization that you weren’t enough still stung. What was disconcerting was how natural it felt to be in his presence, wanting to fall into those deep blue eyes. It took all your self control not to run into his arms and allow yourself to be soothed by his comforting words. The pain that had begun to heal had been suddenly torn afresh again and you were incensed all your hard work had been undone.</p><p><em>Fuck you, Steve Rogers. I fucking hate you. How dare you come waltzing back in like I should just forgive you.</em>You rolled your eyes at your own thoughts. <em>I hate him...but I don’t. Why did he have to come back? I should hate him. I do hate him. I don’t hate him. I still love him. Fuck. Doesn’t change anything though. Loving him doesn’t erase the past.</em></p><p>Sighing to yourself, you busily prepared to leave your home to visit your elderly neighbor. As you portioned out the extra meals you made from yesterday’s purchases, you tried to collect your thoughts and push aside the feelings that stirred as a result of the sudden intrusions. Satisfied you had everything you needed, you stepped out your front steps only to notice a piece of paper fluttering down. </p><p>You bent down to pick it up, noting a drawing of a flower on it. Upon closer inspection, you realized it was a white orchid. <em>I'm sorry. Sincere regret.</em> You looked up, quickly scanning your surroundings for him but saw no signs. Surrounding the illustrated flower, you see his handwriting scribbled across the page. </p><p>
  <em>I know that my coming by yesterday was a surprise. I was hoping to explain myself in person but since I couldn't, let me tell you that no matter what you say, I’m not giving up. I regret letting those doubts and questions eat away at me and never talking to you about it. Because I know that if I had, you would’ve talked some sense into me and shown me what an idiot I was being. You were always good at that: seeing beyond the Captain America persona and just seeing me for myself, faults and all. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>You have the misconception that somehow you aren’t good enough. Let me make it clear to you: you are too good for me. You are the one thing that was always good about this life and it’ll be my deepest regret that I ever let you believe otherwise.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I know it’s hard for you to believe my words that it’s you I want. It’s always been you. I was just an idiot and didn’t realize it. But I’m letting you know that while I’m giving you the space you asked for, I won’t be leaving you ever again. Even if you never take me back, I’ll be content to watch from afar and show you just how truly sorry I am for ever hurting you. You are my endgame, the happily ever after I wanted. And I’ll never stop loving you and proving that to you. </em>
</p><p>Your eyes stung as you read through the note. “Cheap shot, Steve,” you whispered to yourself. “But I don’t have a sister wildly infatuated with boys who is about to run away and lose her virtue to my ex boyfriend. That would be <em>you</em> who ran away from <em>me</em> to be with your old flame.” Without another glance at the drawing. You tossed it on the table near the entryway and stepped out into the morning light. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 2: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>“Ugh,” you huffed out loud in frustration when you saw another drawing on your doorstep. A columbine for resolution. “Of course, <em>now</em> he’s resolved...resolved to annoy me.”</p><p>It irked you to have him here. Though you ended up traveling around like Clint had after the Snap, you never gave into the anger and hurt by resorting to retribution. It would’ve been easy to fall back into the life, being hired for odd jobs. With your experiences as a skilled agent, you would’ve had plenty of lucrative work. But when you decided to leave the Avengers, you also intended to leave the fighting and killing behind you as well. You searched the globe, trying to find your new place in it without the Avengers and without Steve Rogers. </p><p>It was in this small Japanese town that you found some semblance of peace. Here you had started to learn to smile again, though it didn’t quite reach your eyes in the same way as it used to. <em>At least I’m smiling again</em>, you thought to yourself ruefully. It was amongst these kind people that you were able to crawl out of that black abyss that threatened to swallow you whole. You weren’t fully healed but it was the first place that gave you the chance at it. You weren’t sure you’d be able to do it a second time. Despite part of you wanting to believe his words, you were unwilling to give Steve the power to hurt you like that again. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 7: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>You spotted him out your kitchen window. Grabbing the latest sketch of a purple hyacinth, you ran out the door towards him. Annoyance filled your being.</p><p>“What do you think you’re doing?” you confronted him, waving the paper in his face. “Seriously? First you come here and then you start leaving little drawings for me? <em>I am Sorry; please Forgive Me.</em> That’s what you want me to know with this flower?”</p><p>He smiled softly at you, earning you ire. “Look, I’m still giving you your space like you wanted. But these drawings comfort me and make me think of you. And sometimes they express my feelings better than I can in words. If I had thought to do that before, maybe we wouldn’t be here.” His shoulders slumped at the thought, large puppy eyes gazing at you. </p><p>“Go away.”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>“Go home, Steve.”</p><p>“Wherever you are is home.”</p><p>You glared at him. Realizing you can’t force him to leave, you rolled your eyes and sighed in resignation. Turning swiftly, you walked back into your home, still clutching the drawing in your hand. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 8: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>It’s been over a week and he’s still in your town. You’d heard from one of your neighbors that he just bought the house down the street from you. <em>Fuck</em>, you silently cursed to yourself. <em>He’s really gonna stay here. I can’t believe this. Why? </em></p><p>You had started getting questions from the locals, especially your elderly neighbor. It’s not like you were unaware of the attention he attracted; it’s hard to miss Captain America walking around your town. You hoped that he would’ve gone home by now but that was dashed with the sudden news. </p><p>“Is he your boyfriend?” Mrs. Aikawa asked. </p><p>You shook your head.</p><p>“Why not? He’s obviously here for you.”</p><p>You shrugged your shoulders, unsure of how much to reveal. </p><p>“You should marry him and have some babies. Look at him. I saw him helping Sato-san carry those heavy bags of rice yesterday. And the children like to play baseball with him. I also saw Mrs. Takamasa presenting her daughter to him earlier today. You should hurry before someone else gets him.”</p><p>As she spoke, your eye caught today’s sketch: a lily of the valley; it reminded you of another time. The first time he kissed you was after you taught him about the language of flowers. Absorbing the new information, he asked which was your favorite. You told him it was the lily of the valley because it had so many varied meanings that left it mysterious and uncertain. He smiled at you with those blue eyes, pressed an uncertain kiss to your lips; that day, you decided it meant happiness. When you tucked a sprig into his uniform before a particularly dangerous mission, you told him it was for good luck. He drew you close to him before whispering “I love you” and boarding the Quinjet. You were left stunned that he’d confess right before the mission. He told you that he wanted you to know just in case anything went wrong. It annoyed you that he drew that particular flower knowing the memories associated with it when you were together. </p><p>You fought the urge to roll your eyes at your neighbor’s well-meaning advice. She had unofficially adopted you when you arrived in the town, declaring she’d act as your grandmother. And like any good grandmother, she wanted to see you happy and taken care of. To anyone who didn’t know about your past, the pairing made sense. Of course he had won over the neighbors already. It wasn’t surprising; he was helping around the town or making friends with the children. You hadn’t begrudged any of the local mothers trying to gain favor with him either. He was a catch: all Boy Scout and good looks to match—with the capacity to obliterate you. You would not be falling for his charms again no matter what the townspeople thought.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 12: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>The illustration of a blue violet lay on your desk. You hunched over, elbows propped on the tabletop. Your fingers slowly pressed small circles at your temple. <em>Watchfulness, Faithfulness, I'll Always Be There.</em> You heaved a deep sigh at his persistence. Sitting back into your chair, you dropped the drawing onto the growing stack in your drawer.</p><p><em>Where was this commitment before returning the Stones?</em> you wondered. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 16: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>Today’s drawing hit you differently, as if he knew why you stayed here. Tracing your fingers across the delicate lines of the chamomile, you reflected on its meaning: patience in adversity. You knew he was referring to his own current situation. He thought if he stayed here long enough, sketching little pictures, that it would be enough to win your forgiveness. At least that’s what you uncharitably attributed to his actions. It didn’t matter; you had no intention of just letting things go back to how it was before he broke your heart.  </p><p><em>It’s been over 2 weeks</em>, you reflected quietly. <em>Why can’t he leave me alone? I came here to start over. I travelled all over the globe in search of a place to settle down—where I could start over. I wanted somewhere quiet where no one got into my business or asked questions about being part of the Avengers. Just my luck, I stumbled into this small Japanese town and fell in love with the simplicity of life here. The people were kind and generous. If they knew of my past, they never pried; it was as if there was an unspoken understanding that I was seeking something more. It was the first time since he betrayed me that I felt calm and hopeful. </em></p><p>You closed your eyes, hoping the peace you had begun to find here wouldn’t be destroyed once again by his presence. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 28: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>You walked home from the market, arms loaded with produce. The streets were filled with the noise of life going on around you. You nodded your head in greeting to your neighbors as you passed them in the streets. Two Shiba Inus chased each other, whirling past your feet. You heard the clamor of excited young voices as you rounded the corner to your street.</p><p>“Thor and Loki?”</p><p>“Ohhh Winter Soldier!”</p><p>“No Iron Man!”</p><p>“Hulk smash!”</p><p>Excited shouts rang out from the throng of children; in the very center was the man you had been avoiding for almost a month. Startled at the sight, you stopped to observe the scene. The tow-haired head was bent over as the children gathered around him. </p><p>“Very handsome, no?” came a voice behind your shoulder. Old Mr. Kougami stood alongside you, watching the children clamoring for Steve’s attention. </p><p>You made a noise in response, not expressly agreeing or disagreeing with his assessment. “What is going on?” you asked, changing the subject. </p><p>“Oh you haven’t heard?” Your confused face amused him as he continued, “That’s Captain America. They say he’s come to stay here but he won’t say why.” He arched an eyebrow at you. “But the children have taken a liking to him, asking him to tell them stories about his great battles. I know many families who have been grateful for his help. Sometimes he draws certain stories out that he tells them and the children love it. Those who have received one treat them as treasures. Who else is lucky enough to get something drawn by Captain America himself?” </p><p>His words brought back the memory of the newest sketch currently in your desk at home. The Angelica. It seemed someone else had found <em>inspiration</em> in your Japanese town. Bidding a good day to Mr. Kougami, you hurried past the crowd, missing Steve’s longing look in your direction.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 34: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>Steve gently placed a small bouquet of lilies of the valley on your doorstep along with the day’s sketch; a pink carnation to commemorate Tony’s passing. <em>I’ll never forget you.</em> None of them would forget the sacrifices their teammates had made to save the world. He briefly thought about all the people he had lost in the line of duty but quickly shook off the dark memories. Steve hoped that the bouquet signifying <em>sadness or pain due to loss or death</em> would let you know you weren’t alone in your grief. As he stepped away from your home, he hoped it lent you some comfort. </p><p>Pulling out his cellphone, he dialed a familiar number. “Hey, it’s me. I know I’m a day early but I just wanted to check in on you and the munchkin.”</p><p>“Steve,” came the tired voice. “Thanks for the call. Today’s been tough. I’m sure tomorrow will be worse. But we’re getting through it.” Pepper paused a moment before asking, “How is she?”</p><p>“Good. Stubborn, but good.”</p><p>“Can you blame her?”</p><p>“No. But I’m here. I’m trying.”</p><p>Sighing, Pepper changed the subject. “How are you? What are you doing there besides trying to win the girl back?”</p><p>Steve let out a small chuckle. “Honestly?” he reflected, “I’ve been doing pretty well myself. I see her almost every day, even if it’s just in passing. Lately, the local children have been asking me to tell them stories about the Avengers. They’re amazing, Pepper. Reminds me of when we’d babysit Morgan and tell her bedtime stories.”</p><p>Steve could hear the eye roll over the phone. “Oh yes, telling my 4 year old about the time the aliens came to New York.”</p><p>“Hey! She loved it! She wanted all the stories about everyone, especially Tony.”</p><p>“She still has those drawings you’d make her. We even have the Iron Man one framed on her nightstand.”</p><p>A moment of silence passed between them before Pepper quickly added, “Hey, do you happen to have any of your stories written down? I’d love a copy to read with Morgan. It might help her deal with tomorrow.”</p><p>“Of course! Let me get back home and I’ll work something out. I should be able to time it so it’s in your inbox for tomorrow.”</p><p>“Thanks Steve,” Pepper’s tone suddenly quieted. “Take care of yourself and bring her home soon.” </p><p>“I’m trying.”</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 42: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>You took a deep breath before opening your front door, preparing yourself for Steve’s latest drawing. A white rose...<em>a new beginning, a fresh start.</em> You closed your eyes, fighting the urge to roll your eyes. </p><p><em>He wants a fresh start?</em> you seethed. <em>Seriously? </em></p><p>A fresh start was what you needed...away from him and the Avengers. After he shattered your heart, you became guarded. You had been utterly devastated and lost for a long time. When you left Pepper’s place, you didn’t have a destination in mind. You went out searching for yourself—who were you without Steve or the team? </p><p>Steve wanted a new beginning with you but you didn’t trust him not to leave again. Instead, you dropped the paper into the growing pile and walked toward your studio. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 54: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>You haven’t seen Steve in a few days but you knew he’d not left. Every morning you still found an an illustration on your doorstep with a new message on it. Today, it was <em>longing for you</em>—a pink camellia. You touched your fingers across the rough paper, mesmerized by his skill. </p><p>You had grown used to his presence in the town. He hadn’t tried to contact you again other than the drawings. You guessed he was leaving all the talking to the hidden floral meanings. As annoyed as you were he was even in the town, you appreciated he hadn’t pressed the matter and forced you into another confrontation. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 68: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>You sat inside your studio, eyes focused on the pottery shards in front of you. As you attempted to fully embrace this moment while you worked, your mind wandered.<br/>
You remembered the first time you came across a local craftsman who specialized in pottery. You thought the gold lines running through it were beautiful and you were mesmerized by it. Mr. Maruyama asked if you liked it and you surprised him when you answered in perfect Japanese. He excitedly told you about the piece; something in his explanation spoke to you. You lovingly ran your fingers across the lines. The way you caressed the pottery made the artist ask if you wanted to try to create your own.  </p><p>You made the first piece from pure curiosity. Somehow, you found the act of creating the piece fulfilling. You found the mushin philosophy behind the creation soothing. By emptying your mind and focusing just on the moment in front of you, it acted as a balm to your wounded soul. After the lives you’ve helped destroy and the blood you’ve spilled, you found that the art of fixing broken things to be a healing experience.</p><p>It was a labor of love and when it was done, you presented it as a gift to your teacher. The next day, Mrs. Shibasaki stopped by and asked you to create a piece as a gift to her daughter. You tried to refuse but she was desperate for a special gift for her daughter’s wedding so you reluctantly agreed. After that, a slow but steady number of requests came in for more of your pieces. </p><p>You hadn’t meant to stay in the town longer than a few weeks. The freedom you found when making the pieces of pottery was unlike your life as an Avenger. Here, in your new pursuits, you delved deeper into the inherent philosophy of accepting change as part of the greater work. You felt a kind of peace in the small town. Your teacher advised you to find a studio to work from. Instead, you found a home and turned a spare room into your art studio. Little by little, you began to set roots there and your restless spirit found a calmness it hadn’t felt in a long time. </p><p>Finishing your latest piece, you gently held it up to inspect. Your eyes landed on the small bouquet of lilies of the valley that laid on top of today’s sketch: a goldenrod. You smiled to yourself at the combination of messages: the bouquet for <em>luck and prosperity</em> while the flower was for <em>encouragement and good fortune.</em> As you turned the bowl, light streamed into the room, illuminating the golden streaks.</p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 137: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>“Hey Steve, I have an offer for you,” began Pepper on the other end of the line. </p><p>“I’m not leaving here—“</p><p>“It’s not that. So you know the story you sent to Morgan?”</p><p>“Did she like it?”</p><p>“She loved it. I loved it. Even Happy loved it. So I actually submitted it to some publishers I knew...and they loved it. They want to publish it. But before you say no, I know you don’t need the money or anything but think about the good your book could do.”</p><p>“...”</p><p>“Imagine taking the proceeds and donating it to a good cause. Or even starting your own charity. You could really help a lot of people, not to mention so many kids would love to read your stories,” asserted Pepper. </p><p>“What kind of charity?”</p><p>“Anything you want,” Pepper offered. “We could even make it part of the advertising for the sales. Something about the proceeds going towards whatever you had in mind.”</p><p>Steve paused, thinking over the offer. He took a look around the small town that he had grown to love. Though the people were welcoming, he saw buildings that needed repair due to age and natural disasters. He thought back on other places around the world that had been touched by disaster—places like Sokovia and Lagos. He remembered the utter destruction he has been a part of and the rebuilding process. It took time and, more importantly, money. Maybe, in this small way, he could contribute to rebuilding what he had been responsible for destroying. </p><p>“Pepper,” he began. “I’ll only do it if we could start a relief program that helps rebuild places hit by disaster. Especially those the Avengers had a hand in. I also want some of the funds to go towards the town we’re in too. That’s my terms. Take it or leave it.”</p><p>“That sounds like a great program, Steve,” Pepper said in relief. “I can get our lawyers to talk to the publishers about your terms. I’m sure they’ll say yes—“</p><p>“I want it to be published quickly, as soon as you can get them. That money is needed.”</p><p>“I’ll—“</p><p>“As soon as possible, Pepper.” His tone brokered no room for argument.</p><p>“I’ll make it happen, Steve. In fact, Stark Industries would like to buy the first 100,000 copies and donate them to libraries across the country. Your stories and illustrations are truly wonderful and deserve to be read by everyone.”<br/>
“Thanks,” Steve said sheepishly before hanging up. A soft smile spread across his face as he thought over the conversation.<br/>
For the first time in a long time, he felt like he could breathe again. He pulled out a fresh sheet of paper and quickly sketched a lotus flower for your daily note. <em>Purity, enlightenment, self-regeneration, and rebirth.</em> As his pencil flew across the paper, he couldn’t help but chuckle at the appropriateness of today’s flower. Maybe there was something more about this town that seemed to soothe the souls of two battle-weary soldiers. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 189: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>“Oh Y/N!” called out Mrs. Aikawa. “Come look at this wonderful drawing Steve made. I caught him trying to leave it on your doorstep.”</p><p>Silently cursing your luck, you schooled your countenance to face the duo. You spotted Steve standing awkwardly next to your elderly neighbor. </p><p>“Look at this, dear,” she gestured to a small sketch of an edelweiss. “Did you know there is a special meaning behind flowers? You can use it to send secret messages. This one means <em>courage or devotion</em>. Isn’t that wonderful?”</p><p>You exchanged glances with Steve but otherwise your faces betrayed little. Your neighbor continued, “Seems appropriate, doesn’t it? It’s not every day Captain America comes to a small Japanese town to leave one notes everyday.” She emphasized her meaning with an arch of her eyebrow before waving the two of you off and shuffled home. </p><p>Once safely out of earshot, you whirled on Steve, hissing, “Why are you still here? Isn’t it your job to be out there saving people? Not here annoying me.”</p><p>“I told you before,” Steve calmly stated with a small shrug of his shoulders, “making you happy is my job.”</p><p>“But Steve...” </p><p>“Shh it’s ok. They have a new Cap. I don’t need to be anywhere but by your side.”</p><p>Your eyes widened at the new information. “What do you mean they have a new Captain? Like a new leader?”</p><p>“No, a new Captain America altogether. Before I came here I passed along the mantle to Sam.” </p><p>“Why would you do that? It’s everything to you.”</p><p>He shook his head. “No,” he whispered, “<em>you’re</em> everything to me. Without you by my side, it doesn’t mean anything.”</p><p>“Steve—“</p><p>“It’s ok Y/N. I chose this. One of the reasons I made the biggest mistake of my life was because I needed an end to that life. I was tired of being Captain America; I just wanted to be Steve again.” He glanced up, holding your gaze. “And I feel the most like myself around you. Even if you never give us another chance, I’m still ok with the decision. For the first time in a long time, I feel at peace.”</p><p>He handed you the drawing and once again, left you confused on your doorsteps. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 278: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>As the months passed, you slowly got used to Steve’s presence in the town. People no longer gaped openly at Captain America living amongst them. Instead, as time went on, you noticed the familiarity folks had begun to treat him with. You heard pockets of conversations indicating just how integral he has slowly become in the community. </p><p>“Oh Steve helped fix the pipes in my home when they burst and my husband was away. I don’t know what I would’ve done had he not offered his help.”</p><p>“I couldn’t lift the tree but then Steve came by and picked up this pot all by himself. He didn’t even mind when I kept changing my mind on where to put it.”</p><p>“I mean, he helped fix up the community center. I don’t know what we would’ve done without him.”</p><p>“Just look at all the good Steve has done.”</p><p>“I got Steve to autograph his book.”</p><p>Your ears perked at the information. “What book?” The words slipped out before you could stop yourself. The group of women looked up from their conversation. </p><p>“Oh Y/N! Steve’s book, of course. Haven’t you seen it? The children love it.” Mrs. Kajima thrust a copy in your hands. “He published it a little while ago and it’s become very popular. The children love it.”</p><p>Her friend, Mrs. Kakiuchi blushed prettily. “I have to admit I enjoyed it myself.”</p><p>“I especially loved the hidden lily of the valley in each illustration,” sighed Ms. Utsunomiya. “I wonder what that means or who it’s for?”</p><p>As you flipped through the pages, your eyes flickered between the printed words and illustrations. Every part of it was pure Steve. The women chatted in the background as you read through the story. You couldn’t help but notice that the tone of the story perfectly complemented the hidden lily of the valley. Just like the message in the book, there was <em>a return of happiness</em> that was perfectly captured by the flower. A soft smile tugged at your lips.</p><p>“Oh!” exclaimed Mrs. Kajima. “The best part about the book is all the money it gives to charity.”</p><p>“What?” you asked, surprised by the offhand comment.</p><p>Nodding excitedly, Mrs. Kakiuchi added, “Yes! It says so on the back that all proceeds go to a charity that is meant to help rebuild places. That’s what he’s been doing here too. Haven’t you noticed some of the repair work going on around town?”</p><p>You glanced up at the buildings and noticed the work had been done. You had noticed the repairs but you never knew it had been Steve’s doing. It had been mere coincidence where you’d find him fixing up old gates or painting the walls. Of course Steve would help with these little repairs. But you hadn’t assumed he would have put together a charity to help other places too. Yet, the more you thought about it, the more you knew it was very much a Steve Rogers thing to do. You reflected on his commitment to this town and to helping people both in small ways and more profound ways. Just like the fern sketch he left you today, you realized what <em>sincerity and humility</em> he was filled with. It was the Steve you had known and loved. The one who always tried to help others. Despite the hurt you felt, those bonds of love hadn’t died. You returned the book, more confused than ever with the new information. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 432: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>You glanced at the drawing in front of you. A jonquil. <em>Love Me, Affection Returned, Desire, Sympathy, Desire for Affection Return.</em> It had been over two years since he said goodbye. Two years when he shattered you and chose a life without you. Two years since you lost yourself. In that time you had learned to let go of the anger. Your new life had taught you how to let those attachments go. It was hard and you still struggled with it from time to time but you felt more at peace for practicing the philosophy and focusing on the present. </p><p>Did you still love him? The answer had always been yes. Despite your hurtful words spoken in anger, it was never a question of whether or not you stopped caring for him. You knew you would always love him. And that had terrified you. Giving yourself permission to let go of the fear of what a future with Steve would mean was the hardest challenge you had to learn to overcome. </p><p>You picked up the lily of the valley bouquet and brought it closer for inspection. As you twirled it around in your hands, you remembered how you found it hanging in your doorway. Your eyes softened as you recalled the medieval tradition in England. Amongst the spring celebration, they held a dance called “the courtship.” A suitor hung the bundle of flowers in his beloved’s doorway. If she came to the dance with the flowers on her hair, she accepted his advances. You hadn’t realized Steve would’ve found out about the tradition. </p><p>Holding the flowers in front of you, your other hand traced the seam of your lips. Had you forgiven him? Were you willing to let go of the past? Was he someone you could trust again? As you slowly stroked a finger back and forth across your lips, you contemplated the daunting questions. </p><p>
  <em>
    <strong>Day 537: </strong>
  </em>
</p><p>You laid in bed, allowing the day’s events to wash over you. A strong arm draped across your torso, pulling you against a broad chest. You inhaled his scent and let it soothe away the stress of the day. A soft sigh of contentment escaped your lips.</p><p>Plush lips brushed against your temple. “What are you thinking about?” he murmured.</p><p>“Hmm, just reflecting on everything...on us.”</p><p>“Having second thoughts?”</p><p>You shook your head. Silence filled the still night.</p><p>“You know,” he began. “I put on a brave face but there was a time where I didn’t think you’d actually forgive me.”</p><p>“Steve—“</p><p>“No, I understood what I did and how much I hurt you. And I’ll never forgive myself for it. I hoped you’d forgive me but I knew there was a chance it was something we couldn’t come back from.” His tone betrayed the deep regret he still carried in his heart.</p><p>Turning around, you laid your head on his chest and listened to his beating heart for a few seconds before asking, “Have I ever told you about the pottery I do?” He made a small noise indicating his ignorance. “It’s an old art form called kintsukuroi. It means ‘to repair with gold.’ You see, the idea is that the cracks are repaired and highlighted. Those broken pieces don’t mean one has to throw the entire item away. Instead, they treat it as if the cracks are part of the story of the pottery. In fact, it’s what makes it stronger and a thing of art. It’s beautiful because of its brokenness.”</p><p>You looked up at Steve, watching the comprehension descend on him. His eyes softened in unspoken understanding. He reached down and pulled you close, capturing your lips with his own. Just like the shattered pottery, you had both learned how to repair your own fractured souls through resilience and growth. Allowing yourselves the time to grow made you stronger individuals. The broken pieces that for so long defined your relationship slowly mended, transforming into something stronger and beautiful. </p><p>Breaking the kiss, you pulled away and looked into his eyes. “I love you Steve.”</p><p>“I love you.”</p>
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